Looking Brighter but not Lighter

Ever since I could remember, I have always been a plus-sized CHILD. Case in point: I was prematurely forced to don adult shoes and clothes from the time I was only eleven years old. The sweet and petite Mary Jane shoes on display in the children's department never failed to make me feel like one of Cinderella's wicked step-sisters. The fact that I also could not fit into any of the cute, little party dresses made it much easier for me to identify with the Incredible Hulk than with any of the Disney princesses. Needless to say, those growing years were rough on my body and my self-esteem.




The Incredible Hulk VS The Typical Disney Princesses

Little has changed since then: I am now a plus-sized ADULT. As I was queuing for public transport the other day, though, I started chuckling to myself. 

Perhaps it is true that 'bigger' people are compensated with a 'bigger' sense of humour. To be fair, we tend to come up with 'bigger' excuses for not shedding the pounds, too. Articles on the benefits of losing weight, going to the gym regularly, going on a diet, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle are a dime a dozen, especially on the Internet. Yes, losing excess weight and conforming to the conventional idea of beauty does increase one's self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence etc. (you get the picture). 

Nonetheless, if you know me well enough, you should know that such topics are far out of my jurisdiction. I am not advocating obesity; instead, I am just trying to look on the bright side of whatever life dishes out for calorie-challenged individuals like myself. Before you recruit me as your new BFF (Bitter Fat Friend), or  kill me with your skinny stares, read on to see if there is any truth to the points I am about to mention below. Here are some perks that overweight people tend to carry with them:


#5 Stability in the Storm

It goes without saying that weight is a crucial factor in maintaining one's stability. Weightier people have less fear of storms and windy weather simply because we are confident that our feet will not be so easily peeled off the ground. In fact, sometimes our feet refuse to budge and leave the ground even when we want them to. I was out for lunch with a colleague the other day when there was a sudden strong breeze. While I danced in the wind and fantasized myself in a shampoo advertisement, my feather-weight friend was struggling not to be blown away.

One of the most thrilling places I have ever been to is the suspension bridge in Langkawi. I remember walking all the way to the end of the bridge and enjoying the strong winds blowing in my face. The scenery was fantastic and I felt that I could stay on the bridge for hours. Whenever I share this experience with my friends, their question would always be the same, "Weren't you afraid that you would be blown off the bridge?" My reply? "Nah, I may jump off or the bridge may collapse under my weight, but there is no way the winds can carry me anywhere I don't want to be. I am too heavy for that."



The Scenic Suspension Bridge in Langkawi

#4 Sense of Security

Calorie-challenged individuals like myself also find a false sense of security in our additional inches and kilogrammes. I used to have a literature tuition teacher who was rather horizontally-challenged. She was so huge that she would convert a flip chair into a no-longer-flipping chair. Because of her size, it was uncomfortable for her to utilize the table that was conveniently attached to the side of the chair. She preferred to leave the table hanging in the air. This woman had a reputation for being notorious in school. Even the toughest boy would tremble and crumble under her stare. She used to threaten us by saying, "I'll sit on you." That line alone was enough to keep us well-behaved throughout the class.

I have since learned to plagiarize her line although I cannot visualize myself sitting on any of my college students. Nonetheless, I have to admit that there were times when students were about to get into a fight with each other or try to challenge my authority in class, and I do thank God that I am huge enough to "sit on them" if I must.


#3 Justice at the Public Transport

This entry was partly inspired while I was queuing for the monorail and LRT one day. Let's face it; taking public transport during peak hours is hazardous to one's wellbeing. Even when the queue is visible, there is nothing stopping illiterate, uncultured, and uncivilized users from jumping queue and making a nuisance of themselves.

I have the least patience for people who try to force their way into the train even before the passengers can get out of it. Yes, it will be highly inconvenient if you are not able to catch the train before it leaves the station, but can you imagine the trauma suffered by the passengers in the train who couldn't get out at the right station? It is usually in times like these that I throw my excess weight around and not only decide to stay put in front of the train to let the passengers out but also to prevent these queue jumpers from getting on the train before I do. Unless you are handicapped, I don't see why you can't queue like everyone else.


#2 Reserved VIP Car Seat

Being heavy not only helps us when we are taking public transport, we are also almost always assured the VIP seat when riding in private cars. Why would I say that? Logically speaking, if there were 5 of us and I was not the driver, the front passenger seat will be reserved for the heaviest person. It does not make sense to waste the entire seat for an underweight individual while the heavier individual occupies more than half of the backseat. That is, after all, not a very clever method of utilizing limited space. It is more logical for the 3 lighter individuals to battle it out in the back seat.

I recall my piano teacher making her rounds in her car to pick all her students up for her annual concert. Be it in her Daihatsu Charade or her new Honda, the front passenger seat was always reserved for me while she packed the other tiny rascals at the back. That was what I would call "birthright". I was born big, so I have earned every right to use that seat.


#1 ATM Shield

Have you ever felt insecure while withdrawing money in full view of people who are traveling up/down the escalators? What about the times when you suspect that everyone standing behind you could see your pin number and your account balance? Didn't you wish you could just open an umbrella and block everyone's view?

Vulnerability @ the ATM

Well, you can say goodbye to the umbrella if you are fleshy enough. Chubby people tend to block three-quarters of the ATM screen with their body. With the same body, we can also block the keypad as we punch in the numbers. This, I think, would be the greatest advantage.


There you go ... five obvious perks for the calorie-challenged. Please don't be so harsh on us. We know we are overweight but please allow us to keep the fat and cut us some slack, will ya?

Giraffes Can't Talk

Here's an old story based on one of my first interviews for a teaching position which took place not too long after I graduated from university. Those of you who were already on my mailing list would have read this before:

I was supposed to attend an interview from 4.00 p.m. to 6.00 p.m. today. Because I wanted to make a good impression, I arrived almost half an hour early. No one was there to attend to me, so I stood like a 'dungu' at the reception counter for a few minutes. After convincing myself that I should only return at 4.00 p.m., someone finally led me to a room (it was actually a classroom). He sounded very apologetic and told me to wait.

Mistake no. 1; always carry something to read with you so that you don't appear to be too idle. I wished I had my Bible with me. Well, actually, any of my literature texts would do. Since there was nothing else to read, I started going through my certificates (There weren't that many to begin with). Within a few minutes, I was very bored again. I proceeded to walk around the classroom but it was a really small room and the only thing I saw was a notice: "SWITCH OFF HANDY PHONES" (I think they actually meant handphones).

I was very happy when someone finally came into the room. I thought that she was going to interview me. It turned out that she was yet another applicant. Just to kill some time, I thought of striking a conversation with her. I casually asked if she had come by LRT. She stared as if I had asked her to marry me or something of that sort. With her clipped accent and a quick look of disgust, she replied that she had driven there. She then took out a 3 inch book and started reading.

Mental note: the next time you meet another applicant, a smile alone would suffice. She looked so mature and was all dressed up. On the other hand, I was in my old 'auntie' blouse and a pair of sloppy slacks. Furthermore, my English was no where close to hers. Have you ever noticed any similarities between Phua Chu Kang and Tony Blair? (get the hint?) I admit that I felt so intimidated by then.

Finding nothing else to do, I exercised all my powers of imagination on my pen. I tried to picture it as an aeroplane. However, this plane of mine never took off from its airport i.e. my file because I was afraid if the other applicant should report of my insanity!

By the time the interview actually started, I had become very restless and couldn't care less about the job. They started asking all sorts of questions such as "What made you apply for this job?" I was contemplating if I should tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I didn't think they would appreciate it, though. 

I should say that I was indeed being my true self throughout the interview. For those of you who know me well enough, you can imagine how disastrous it would have been. He saved the best question for last,

"If a student were to come up to you and ask what is simple present tense, how would you explain it to him?"

I took a full minute to figure out what simple present tense was. Try as I could, I just could not really decipher what he meant. I immediately thought of a sentence which I was teaching the kids in the tuition center that same week. Here's what I said:

"For example, the sentence 'Giraffes can't talk' is in the present tense because, giraffes still cannot talk. However, if a giraffe is able to talk now but not previously, we say that, 'Giraffes couldn't talk before this but now they can.' After all, can is the present tense of could."

The man looked confused but the other lady simply nodded her head and smiled. I still couldn't understand what had possessed me to use that sentence. I should've thought of simpler sentences like "I SWIM every day. I SWAM yesterday." That is, after all, what a typical English teacher would have done.

But you see, I was not any typical English teacher. In fact, I have never been and will never be.

I can hear you asking, "So, did you finally get the job, or not?" Well, well, well, do we have to state the obvious? =D