This may come as a shock but once upon a time, I had dreams of becoming a missionary. I wanted to go to the remotest places on earth and "make disciples of ALL nations". I dreamt of going to the outskirts, the countryside, the rural areas ... in short, the land where no man (or woman) has ever been. Oh wait, perhaps the last expression was too exaggerated. But you get the idea ...
As a child, I had been greatly intrigued by the adventures of Indiana Jones. I would imagine myself walking in the tombs of ancient civilizations, crossing scorching deserts, or just living in a treehouse right in the middle of a dense, tropical forest.
If I did not have such a weak heart (and if I had been blessed with a more analytical brain), I would have probably studied medicine so that I could join the MSF (Medecins Sans Frontieres) i.e. Doctors Without Borders in Africa or Uruk, and perhaps even found my own Song Joong Ki in the process. =)
When I enrolled in university, I chose to major in Anthropology and Sociology. I pictured myself doing fieldwork while living with people from various tribes and learning so much about their culture. Waking up to the chirping of birds and inhaling fresh air that is still moist with the morning dew as I step out of the bamboo house would be such an ideal way to start the day. Oh, what a satisfying and educational adventure my life would have been!
What was it then that made me choose to walk on such a different path today? You may not believe it, but it was (and still is) my lack of tolerance for toilets.
Before I proceed, here is a gentle disclaimer for the faint-hearted: There will be many vivid and grotesque images/references to the toilet. You are advised to stop reading at this point if you do not have a strong threshold for human excrement or anything alike.
What?!!! You still want to read on? Congratulations, you must have some guts! Either that, or you are just too curious for your own good ...
My high standards for the lavatory stemmed from 2 different experiences: a painful urinary tract infection in primary school and years of washing toilets throughout my secondary school days. I can still feel that terrible burning sensation which was the result of a urinary tract infection. For those of you who have been fortunate enough not to have experienced this at any point of your life, imagine yourself with a bursting bladder and yet not really daring to let go because whenever you do, there is an ever-ready lit up cigarette lighter to welcome you in the land down under.
And oh yes, I am obsessed with toilet cleanliness partly because as secondary school students, all of us had to take turns to be on toilet cleaning duty. Whether you were the daughter of a king or a pauper, you were expected to wash the toilet specially assigned to your respective class. In pairs, we would scrub and clean, and pour lots of Dettol down the toilet bowl. (And we would even jealously guard and prevent anyone from using the clean toilets until the prefect has made her rounds.)
It is therefore natural then, for me to expect toilets to be clean. If I enter into a particular booth and it is dirty, I find myself unable to excrete no matter how hard I try. As a result, I have unintentionally compiled an extensive collection of both humorous and horrifying tales about toilets. Well, to be more specific, it is more about my personal paranoia of public toilets.
The toilet that I find most comfortable has to offer the perfect combo: a) it must be a squatting toilet, and b) it should have a bidet for the occupant to douche i.e. in Malaysian term, cebuk. What if it is one OR the other? Nah, I will try not to go.
Oh yes, I know it is not good to hold your pee (and that you cannot really hold your poop no matter how hard you try), but if I can avoid using such toilets, I would. At almost all expense. I once held my pee for 11 hours while flying back from New Zealand. Of course that was when my bladder (not me, mind you) was way younger... My family members tried to trigger my curiousity by asking, "Aren't you the least bit curious to see the toilet in the airplane? It is not every day that you get to use such toilets, you know?" I was adamant then that I could go on living the rest of my life not knowing how the airplane toilet looked like.
In yet another instance, my mother was shocked to find me coming home during midday when I had just started working at a college few kilometers away from my home. She thought something bad had happened at my workplace, and could not believe it when I told her that I had driven all the way back because I desperately needed to poo. I was willing to sacrifice my entire lunch hour just to travel back, poo, and return to office (all these without having my lunch that day).
You think I am weird? I am sure you may have shared a similar experience, or at least know of someone else who does. When I mentioned this particular incident in office, my Head of Department then told us that he used to walk all the way back to his condominium during official working hours to do his number 2, too. Another friend shared that he had to cough up RM2 for the premier paid toilet at Level 1 of KLCC one day because his girlfriend needed to take a dump. Hey I am not such a limited edition, after all!
Have I outgrown this habit after all these years? Sadly, no. I still uphold outrageously high standards for toilets. In fact, I have become so obsessed with it that toilet is one of my biggest deciding factors when it comes to choosing an accommodation or a place of work. After all, the toilet is my sanctuary! That is the only place where I can literally "go" in peace. And it is also the place where many shocking inspirations come from, such as this piece you are currently reading.
When I was staying in a university dormitory and had to share the toilets with at least 24 other residents on the same floor, I used to get up before 6:00 AM to empty my bowels in peace. There were fewer people awake at that hour and I can take my own sweet time coaxing yesterday's digested food out of my system and into the pipes that carry them gently to Indah Water Theme Park.
I think the landlady in two other places that I had rented loved me a lot too because as long as I was there, the toilets were comparatively clean. I would wash the toilet every Monday after spending the weekend at home. Where else do I seek refuge after a day of attending or conducting classes?
Needless to say, toilet has also become a major concern whenever I travel. In particular, I will try my level best not to choose an accommodation that requires me to share toilets with strangers. Once again, I discovered that I am not alone. Just the other day, I overheard a DJ listing toilet as one of her priorities in choosing the perfect accommodation while travelling. Her logic? You will enjoy your trip better if you had successfully emptied your bowels and bladder in a comfortable toilet before starting your itinerary. There you go ... another woman after my own heart!
The toilet at workplace should also be friendly. When I was working temporarily as a telemarketer while waiting for STPM results, I used to walk to the mall next door and pay either 30 sen or 50 sen just to use the toilet there. Today, I still walk over to the mall across the road to get to the toilet. I can even tell you which exact cubicle offers enough space for your laptop bag and which particular taps have higher water pressure than others.
So there you go, a thoroughly written confession of my obsession with toilets. While this post may not necessarily be the most motivated way to begin the week, I maintain that a clean and comfortable toilet always gives one a good start.
A last disclaimer: If you suddenly experience an urge to pee or poop after reading this, it is not my fault. All credit goes to your power of imagination.
Adios! *flush*
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