Of Birds and Bees

Imagine being awakened by the gentle rays of the early morning sun as they flit gracefully across your face. As you open your eyes and catch a glimpse outside the window, you see a pair of lovebirds balancing on the electric/phone cable. Some of their peers seek shelter in the bushy trees nearby while others soar freely in the sky. The sweet chorus of these flying creatures fills the air and as you take a deep breath, you can’t help but to think to yourself, “Ah, surely nothing could ever go wrong on a beautiful day such as this!”

 

 

 

You maintain this positive attitude as you shower and prepare for work. You grab your favourite pair of slacks from the pile of laundry and head to the ironing board. It is only then that your pair of eagle eyes zoomed onto a slightly yellowish patch on your black slacks. At first glance, it looks like someone must have spilt liquid from a correction pen onto your slacks. It could be dried mayonnaise, too. Then a realization gradually hits you. It must be … bird poop! The stain takes forever to be removed, leaving you with little choice but to soak it and wear another pair to work instead.

 

Already running late, you rush into the car and there, you spot its diabolical twin! The same yellowish stain on your windscreen, only this time it is garnished with berries that look like bright orange caviar. Bird poop, again! There is another plop smack in the middle of your bonnet. You recall horror stories about the acidic effect of bird droppings on the finishings of your car and you are not about to risk any kind of rust or irremovable stain. You waste another few minutes getting rid of the dirt but at least your car is free from bird poop.

 

Now that you are on the road, you think that you are safe from bird poop. Traffic is a usual crawl and just as you stop under some trees in front of the red light, you hear a light thud on the roof of your car. You strain your neck to look up from the windscreen and you see rows of birds sitting prettily on the branches right above your car. Needless to say, this is not going to be a good day …

 

People of all ages tend to have very romantic notions about birds.

 

For one, birds are probably the most common creatures you would find in a child’s painting. After all, one only needs 3 strokes to sketch a bird: a pair of semi-circles drawn next to each other with a straight line in between. In attempt to encourage children to wake up early and to get to school in time, parents have been known to use the phrase, the early bird gets the worm. Then, there is that all-time famous character – Angry Bird. You can hardly go wrong if you buy Angry Bird merchandise as gifts for young children.

 

It only takes 3 simple strokes to sketch a bird

 

As these children enter into their teens, they would begin to develop even more quixotic perceptions of birds. Every teenager longs to be free as a bird. Without a sense of independence and the liberty to do as they wish, teenagers would not experience the kind of growth that is crucial at this stage of their life. Adolescence is also a time when teenagers face a lot of peer pressure and battle with the sense of belonging. If it is indeed true that birds of a feather flock together, one would surely try his/her best to acquire the right kind of feather to be able to fit in.  

 

Adolescence is also when one learns more about the birds and the bees. When they see their peers pairing up like lovebirds, they would also want to look for their ideal partner. Needless to say, physical appearance is a huge factor at such tender age. This may explain why some teenage boys and girls choose to eat only a bird’s portion and starve themselves to the point of being anorexic.

 

What about the adults, then? What do we think about birds? Well, for city dwellers who spend hours locked up indoors in office buildings and living in a concrete jungle, birds are a nice change. Nature lovers would naturally appreciate the existence of these beautiful creatures.

 

I do not doubt that God had a perfect plan when He created birds; however, given the encounters I have illustrated at the very beginning of this entry, I strongly disagree that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Frankly, a bird in hand is only good if it is steamed, roasted, grilled, or fried.

 

 

 

Plagued with regular episodes of bird droppings, I decided to search online for ways to put an end to my misery. Lo and behold, I came across a website that provides all kinds of facts about bird poop. You can check it out here. http://www.birdchannel.com/bird-diet-and-health/bird-care/bird-poop.aspx

 

Who would have guessed that a bird can poop up to 50 times a day?!!! Apparently, birds have a very high metabolic rate and can process food very quickly. This is to enable them to be as light as possible when they fly in the air. No wonder I always have to clean bird droppings from my clothes, the balcony railings, and my car.

 

I then browsed for ways to prevent birds from coming close to my home. Some of the suggestions may work but may not be as practical. For instance, the writer suggested to spray water at the birds in order to scare them away. Unfortunately, I do not have so much time as to keep watch and start a water fight with the birds whenever they perch. I am also paranoid that the birds may one day take revenge and gang up on me. (I vaguely recall a horror movie that had birds of vengeance as its leading actors.)

 

Another alternative is to scare the birds with sudden loud noises such as popping balloons or blasting radios. Again, this would require me to keep watch at all times. Nevertheless, I have to vouch that this method is effective. Yesterday, I had actually hidden behind the curtains and yelled at a bird and to my surprise, the bird literally fled for its life. I felt bad later, though, and was worried that it might die of heart attack.

 

The most preposterous idea I came across was to “consider birth control for the birds”. As long as I am not a bird myself, I do not know how I can make this happen.

 

There is, however, a method that caught my attention. Birds generally do not like spices, so sprinkling spices like pepper, cayenne, or cinnamon should prevent birds from coming close. For this reason, I bought two packets of cinnamon powder and spent almost the entire morning sprinkling it all around the balcony roof. Then I realized that the powder will be blown off by the wind. Even worse, I would have cinnamon powder all over my clothes. And did I tell you how much I hate cinnamon?

Cinnamon powder

 

I guess I am back to square one, then. I will just wait for this round of cinnamon powder to wear off (or blown off, whichever it may be) before I decide on my next course of action.

 

What I can clearly say is this: birds may be adorable pets but they can also be annoying pests.

 

How else did people come up with the phrase killing two birds with one stone? Hehe.