Driving with Dangerous Music

Fine Tuning

I would not consider myself a radio addict, yet whenever I am travelling alone in the car, I usually blast the radio, partly to keep myself awake and partly because my aging eardrums have lost its elasticity and I have gradually become a little hard of hearing.

 

There may be different frequencies set to the radio in my car but the two most common ones I listen to are: Hitz FM (on my way to work) and 988 FM (on my way home). I enjoy starting my day in the morning with Ean and Jin's witty remarks and their wicked sense of humour but when it comes to the journey home, I would rather tune into 988 FM where I would have no choice but to stay alert as I mentally translate Chinese commentaries, advertisements, and song lyrics into English.

In their special ways, DJs often provide entertainment and excellent company to road users. What they may not realize, though, is that their selection of songs has great impact on the listeners, too. The right songs make traffic jams more bearable but the wrong songs can sometimes confuse the listeners/drivers. The logic is simple. You see, some songs are just not meant to be played within the vicinity of the car. Here's to name a few:

#1 Songs with Ringtone-like Undertones
Oh, the number of times I have had to mute the radio just because I thought I heard my phone ringing in the background! Many songs as well as jingles, especially those on 988 FM, have background music that sound typically like telephone ringtones.

#2 Songs with Sirens in the Background
Equally annoying are the songs, jingles, and advertisements with sirens (be it ambulance, police, or the fire engine) in the background. I would again, mute the radio and glance up at the rearview mirror to see if I should be making way for an ambulance or a fire engine (I rarely care when it's the police getting drivers to clear the road for VIPs).

#3 Songs with Infectious Percussions
Regardless how monotonous and uncreative I may seem whenever I get behind the drums, I actually love that instrument the most. Because I cannot afford to have my own set of drums at home, I sometimes imagine I am a professional drummer whenever I get behind the steering wheel, instead. I will start knocking, thumping, drumming, and hitting the wheel in time with the songs on the radio. It does not take much to imagine what kinda damages I cause when I listen to songs like Alicia Key's Girl on Fire. Of course, there were times when other drivers returned a look of disgust when I had unintentionally sounded the honk after my 'enthusiastic' drumming. That was when I would have to lift an apologetic palm to pacify them. Oh well, at least I have not started to step the gas pedal in time with the bass drum.

 

Look ma, no hands!

An even more dangerous tune is Pharrell Williams' Happy. While Alicia Key's song only involves drumming of the fingers/palm, the Happy song compels its listeners to clap along, happy or otherwise. There is something hauntingly infectious about that song. I would have usually clapped along for more than half of the song before I am consciously aware of my own clapping.





#4 Songs with Ambiguous Lyrics
Music or Lyrics? If I had to choose between the two, I will definitely say that I am more of a lyrics person. I mean, I love beautiful melodies, but the beauty of such melodies are greatly enhanced when coupled with meaningful lyrics. Unfortunately, I have developed a knack for catching the wrong lyrics.

When I was a child, my parents would blare the house radio early in the morning as my brother and I got ready to go to school. One of the songs that kept airing over the radio station back then was Bette Midler's From a Distance You would not believe how many years I had misinterpreted the lyrics to that chorus. Instead of "God is watching us", I kept hearing (and guiltily singing) "Mahathir's watching us." One day (and this was many years later), I became the butt of the joke when I asked my family why the lady kept singing, "Mahathir's watching us from a distance." Bette Midler would have been upset and I guessed God would not have been too pleased to be replaced by Dr. Mahathir, either. Till today, everyone in the family still remembers this whenever Bette Midler's song goes on air.

Not too long ago, I made the same blunder with two other modern songs. Language teachers always emphasize on observing the right pauses in order to capture the sense of the sentence. This means that a sentence will not make sense if the readers had paused at the wrong places. This is exceptionally true when it comes to Lorde's Send the Call Out. For months, I have been trying so hard to figure out what the actual words were. I kept hearing "the gaol I stand, the gaol I stand, the goal I stand." Why would anyone in the right mind sing a song about standing at the gaol (the prison)? It turns out that she was singing, "Send the call out send the call out send the call out" but with very weird and misplaced pauses.

Another more amusing instance occurred when I listened to She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer. Again, I kept hearing the band singing the chorus as, "She looks so perfect standing there, in my American BARREL underwear!" Needless to say, this was what I had in mind:

It took me awhile before I finally googled the lyrics and learned that it wasn't any ordinary barrel underwear but AMERICAN APPAREL underwear!

#5 Simon-Say Songs   

"So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us."

Perhaps the worst kind of songs are the type that subconsciously (yet literally) tells you what to do. I am unable to catch at least 80 per cent of the lyrics in Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' Can't Hold Us, yet I find myself putting my hands up when it reaches the part of the chorus which goes: "So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us, like the ceiling can't hold us, ... blah, blah, blah, ... so we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us, like the ceiling can't hold us." I guess it is alright to listen to this (and put our hands up) at parties, clubs, pubs, and dance floors but perhaps not within the vicinity of a car, when both hands are supposed to be on the steering wheel.
 
If you think that is dangerous, wait till you listen to Tiesto's Red Lights. Imagine this: It's early in the morning and you are already running late to work/school/market/wherever it is you are supposed to go. The traffic light is still quite distant when you spot the green light blinking and slowly turning amber. You gently press your foot on the gas pedal and begin to wonder if you (and your car) can make it before the light turns red. Then you hear this over the radio: "Nobody else needs to know where we might go ... we could just RUN THEM RED LIGHTS, we could just RUN THEM RED LIGHTS." Oh well, run them red lights and you risk having the police pull you over.

Speaking of police pullovers, I would like to share a sound piece of advice concerning the volume of music in the car, particularly when one has just been pulled over by the police. I am not a good driver but I would like to think that I drive somewhat more courteously than some other Malaysian drivers. While going at 80km/hour up a flyover one afternoon, the car in front of me slowed down abruptly, causing me to swerve onto the fast lane so as to avoid hitting his car. As I drove past the inconsiderate driver, I saw whom he was trying to impress: the traffic police. Needless to say, I was pulled over for the very first time (and I hope it will be the last) in my life.

I was on my way home after an education fair in one of the schools in PJ and I was already feeling dead tired. There was hardly any chair in the exhibition hall and I had been standing for many hours. As usual, the radio in my car was blaring loudly. I was so overcome by fatigue that instead of feeling nervous at being pulled over, I was actually impatient and angry at the police. One of them came over and I wound down the window. He asked me something and I put on a massive frown before retorting,  "Huh?!!! Apa dia?!!! (What?!!)" I had not meant to be rude but I really couldn't hear what he was saying. He had to repeat his questions not only once but almost every single time, and each time I shouted back. When he found out about my profession, he just said (still in a very gentle, fatherly tone), "Ah Moey, lain kali jangan bawak kereta laju-laju." (In future, don't speed) After driving for more than two kilometres, I finally realized that I had not turned down the volume of my radio at all. No wonder I could not hear the police officer's questions and I kept yelling at him! It was amazing that he remained so patient and calm throughout the session.
 

So you see, the radio in the car can be very entertaining yet dangerous. Another moral of the story? If you get pulled over by a police, perhaps you can just mention that you are a cikgu (teacher). He might just let you off the hook, too!